Stressing about everything

A lot has happened since last we spoke….. Or since last I spoke I suppose…. My car broke down on the way to my camping trip, so I was all anxious for nothing because I wasn’t even able to go. My car is now parked in front of my apartment. Engine won’t even turn on. So there’s that. Some say it might not even be worth fixing…not like I have the money for that anyway.

The other night I got an email saying I was 2 months behind on paying back my student loans. I wasn’t even informed I was supposed to start paying that back now. Of course the monthly payment is more than one of my paychecks. I haven’t told my husband about it because I don’t want him to worry about it just yet. 

And to top it all off, there was an incident at work involving me and another team member and 2 supervisors. I won’t give details but according to our boss, I wouldn’t get in trouble for admitting what happened. I told them I didn’t remember fully but gave them what I did know. Then they came back telling me that my story didn’t match so they might have to get hr involved because if I’m found purposefully fabricating my story, I could get fired. Fantastic. 

So all in all I’m pretty much a ball of stress. I don’t know how I keep getting up each day because I feel like everything is just falling apart. 

Anxiety about feelings to come

First let me preface this with the first half of my relationship with my husband was long distance. It was rough. I tried to visit him on weekends when I could. When I went back home the first night was always the hardest. Now we are married and I haven’t been away from him for a year. This weekend we were supposed to go on a camping trip with my family. However, he forgot to ask off, even though we knew about it for a month…. Anyway, now it’s just going to be me going. My mom and my sister will be there, along with my sisters husband and my little brother. There will be more people as well since it is for my little brothers Boy Scout troop and their families. It’s not like I will be alone for the two nights like I was at the beginning of my relationship. 

Now more to the point of the post. At first when I found out that my husband had to work, I was ok. I mean I was frustrated that he never asked off, but I was ok that he wasn’t going to be with me. As it comes closer to the time (I leave on Friday), I am starting to feel the anxiety and the pit in my chest…. Or stomach…or whatever. I can feel myself breaking down and not wanting to go anymore because he won’t be there. I already feel myself missing him SO much. Does that make me sound pathetic? I know I don’t need him to be myself. That’s not the issue. I don’t know. The idea of not being near him really is getting to me and freaks me out. I will have fun I’m sure, but knowing I’m going to miss him is making me anxious about the whole situation. Does that makes sense? 

piercing 

So on my birthday I got my belly button pierced. It was something I’ve always wanted to do but I was nervous and I always thought I was too big. I finally had the courage and self esteem to get it done, and I love it. I posted about it on social media, just a status not a picture. I was so happy that I was finally happy enough with myself to get the piercing. So this lady, who I knew from my childhood church commented “why?” I HATE this comment. Why? “Because I wanted to” is all I said. I know she is judging me. I know that she either thinks it is dumb or sinful or whatever, but this isn’t something for the world, it was something I did for me. I don’t go showing off my belly button. It was all for me. I like the way it looks and how I feel with it. I didn’t mark/gash my skin to mourn the dead, so it’s not against the bible. I didn’t get it to impress anyone. The only important reason for “why” I got it is because I wanted to. Don’t let people try to make you feel guilty for personal decisions. Why does she wear makeup, or have pierced ears, or cut her hair? She is modifying her look. She is doing that for herself for whatever reason. And do I care? No! Why should I. Ok rant over.

Aside

For once in my life I’m going to play hookie tomorrow. A friend invited me to an adult girls day pool party. I haven’t done anything fun all summer because work got in the way. I haven’t had a girls day in forever because I work with mostly guys and live with all guys. I deserve a day for me, especially the day before my birthday. Make some time for yourself, because if you don’t then you will end up like me. I don’t usually like going out and doing things, but if I go a long time without it, I start to crave it. It’s weird, I know. Can’t wait to have all the fun tomorrow. 

Well hello there 

So it’s been a few days. Either been working or sleeping. At least that’s what it feels like. Nothing good happened. Nothing bad happened. Just here. I feel like a robot sometimes. Is this adulthood? There has to be something more right? But after work im just too tired or can’t even think about going out. I feel drained. The outside world drains me. Is that weird? A friend of mine wants to hang out and I haven’t seen her in a while, but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I haven’t had a day off in almost a week. Maybe that’s why I feel like this. Back to decompressing. I won’t be away for long this time. Promise. 

Tattoooooos!

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Tattoo….You?.”

First of all do I have a tattoo? Um heck yeah! And I plan on getting more when I have money and find a good place where I am now.

This is it right hereimage

I went up to visit my twin sister one day and we joked about getting tattoos together. I didn’t have any money at the time so I thought she was joking. “No I’m serious, what should we get?” We thought about getting tattoos of the Leo symbol because we are August babies but we couldn’t quite nail what we wanted on the head. Then we joked about lion king because it was still a lion and our favorite childhood movie. Bam! We knew right there that we had our tattoo. The next day we went to the parlor that few of our friends recommended and got it done. It didn’t hurt nearly as much as I anticipated. I love it to this day and I know I will never regret it.

People who don’t have tattoos ask me, “well don’t you think you might regret it or not like the picture later on in life? You know it’s permanent, right?” Yes I know it’s permanent. Duh. In my head it’s not always about the ink, it’s the meaning behind the ink. I don’t want to get a tattoo unless there is a specific meaning behind it. It can be a small meaning, but not “yeah it’s just cool/pretty.” That way the ink may fade or I may not enjoy watching the lion king any more (year right), but it will always be the tattoo I got with my sister of our favorite childhood movie.

It was a great day 

What did I do all day? I woke up, laid in bed to play with my phone for a few….hours, then I stayed in bed and watched tv. It was so relaxing. There was no thinking involved. No people to please. Husband was at work, so I had the day to myself. No chores. No errands to run. Just relaxation. It was truly marvelous. Hubby even came home with dinner so I didn’t have to cook. 

I think I am lucky to be able to have days like this. I always hear other adults talking about all the things they have to do on their days off. There’s ALWAYS something. I know as the years go by, I’m sure I will have that state of mind, especially when I have kids.

On the flip side, I hear people say that they went to the pool or get their nails done. Or maybe they just went out to lunch on their day off. To them that was relaxing. To me it’s still a lot. It doesn’t take much for me. I just need time to myself. Time to cool down, to decompress from the stresses of the outside world. Recharge my batteries if that makes sense. Anyone else like this? 

Quote

Style?

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Style Icon.”

Comfortable and easy. Two words. But what does that refer to as far as style. Hmm let me think….. EVERYTHING.

As far as clothes go, let’s just say I’m glad we have to wear uniforms. If I’m in the house, it’s pajamas. If I go out, it’s jeans and a t-shirt. Ok I’ll dress up if I have to, but I feel like me with the jeans.

My hair. I wash it, sometimes dry it and go. It used to be long but not its layered and shoulder length. It’s either in a pony tail or in a messy bun because it gets hot. This is it, no matter what the occasion is.

I wear makeup if you can believe it. However, my day to day style is liquid eyeliner and some powder for my shiny days.

The prompt mentioned eating style. I have to say usually if it can’t be thrown in the microwave or the oven, I’m not too happy about it.

I realize this makes me sound lazy, but I want to enjoy the freedom to be lazy until I have kids. Waking around in your underwear kind of stops then. You have to make them real meals and make sure they are properly dressed. I have all that to look forward to LATER.

So I got evaluated

At work, I just received another evaluation and guest service audit. The evaluation has three areas: safety, guest service, and job performance. You can either get a poor, satisfactory, or role model in each one. (According to some higher ups, you can only ever get satisfactory in safety…..). Poor means you don’t do what is involved in each category. Satisfactory means you do what is required. Role model means you go above and beyond what is expected. We get one of these every 30 days. In the beginning I was only getting satisfactory. Then I started to get role model in job performance. I was really excited because it is supposedly hard to get that. Then, finally, after taking all the pointers given to me by my supervisors, I finally got a role model status in guest service. I’m actually excited because when I first started I had so much improvement that needed to be done. What sucks is when I express my excitement to other team members they tell me they don’t care about their evaluations. I thought about it…. It’s not like we get a raise or whatever. In my mind, however, if I have to be here, I want to be the best that I can be. I want to show improvement. I like knowing my hard work is acknowledged. Is being a cashier at an amusement park a career? Well no, but it’s important to always do your best I would think, no matter how small the job. I wish others shared my view. 

How my mind works

I know I’m awkward. I used to shy away from it, but now I just embrace it. I don’t always think the same way others do and I don’t always like the same things that others do. I’d say I’m pretty eclectic in my interests which makes me know a little about a lot.

I feel that I have some undiagnosed social anxiety. Lots of people in one area really freak me out (especially if I’m expected to stay in that area). 

I always want people to ask me to hang out and do things, but when it’s almost time to leave I always feel anxious and think it was a mistake to say yes.

 I don’t like friend requesting people I know (or don’t know, obviously) on social media because I’m afraid that they don’t like me as much as I like them. 

I’m quiet until I’m spoken to directly because I’m afraid that people won’t think what I say is right or important. 

An outing with one friend is fine, but more than that it feels like a chore. 

When I finally do start talking to someone, I always go home and feel like what I said was stupid and then regret the whole encounter for the rest of the night.